Smitten

it's amazing how fast things can happen over a short 3 weeks. i wonder if it is possible to conclude within 3 weeks of knowing a person, that he/she is the love of one's life? how it can happen eludes me, but i m quite convinced it can happen.

i'm still trying to let go of the past, thinking all's well... until ghosts of the past caught me by surprise and made me cry myself to sleep. i'm thankful for charlie brown... who was willing to b there, with no expectations, giving me the space that i want and i need... knowing full well i have absolutely nothing to give him... regardless, he's still crazy abt me...

i used to wonder how one can find an admirer that blindly and madly smitten - what does it take? a slutty smile? a vulnerable appearance? what was it about a girl that make guys weak in the knees and accede to every of her request? i don't know... but within a matter of weeks, this weird thing is almost happening to me... well, the fact is i still don't believe it...

it feels different with him, i am completely at ease with my silly self, with my crude singlish jokes (that are hardly funny sometimes, but he laughs at them all the same). the other night he confessed to me that for a period of time, he vowed he would never get a singaporean girlfriend cos he found them sooo shallow, guess now, he can only eat his words.

in my past r/s, i've always been the giver, the oppressed one - the one accomodating to the whims n fancies of my partner... but with him, i bully, i act cute, i use emotional blackmail and he jus gives in to everything, reasonable or otherwise, as if he is incapable of saying no to me.

i'm shocked... why wud someone who spent 5 yrs in canada, lives n breathes interest rates, market performances and funds management aka the regular 30-something yrs old finance industry guy who works in middle management be possibly smitten with me? plain old shallow me with no career, no sense of current affairs, heck i'm not even decently updated with the latest hermes, LV or gucci design (as any OL would be). He puts up patiently with my lame jokes, my crude suan-ing, my mood swings... and is even willing to wait til i m ready to give him an answer...

do i sound like i HL-ing? what to do? i've always been easily impressed... but he can b so sweet... so shd i or shdnt i?

i can't... not yet... still too much baggage... from:
a single-SMS breakup...
guys who took time off from work to go home to make liangteh for me when i said my throat was scratchy,
who drive alone to kota tinggi to find out about firefly tours just becos i mentioned i always wanted to see fireflies...
who promised to leave their gf for me but left me in the lurch when crunch-time came
who promised me overseas trips next yr and asked me "why u so pessimistic?" when i said we might not even b together next yr (in the end, my prediction came true of cos)...

i know the problem lies with me, always falling for the wrong kinda guys blindly n hopelessly, forgetting to protect myself... stuck in a moment indeed... unable to return to the past, incapable of grasping the future...

mayb it's jus his misfortune to b stuck with me, who's stuck as well...